Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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