awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
why do cheetos always look like penises
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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