Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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