Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
