i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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