I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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