there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
