So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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