cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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