an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
