fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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