I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
