really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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