Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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