fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I touched a dick in church today
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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