turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Randomize
