I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
