why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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