Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
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