the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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