So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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