i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
is that a dick in a sweater?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
