I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
