i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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