Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Randomize
