Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Randomize
