I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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