my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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