I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Randomize
