i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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