Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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