i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
