u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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