Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
