Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
