the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
