i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
