no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
