I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
