i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
