I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
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