she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
