apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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