So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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