I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
