i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
