ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
