On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
you win again, gameday.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
My ass is underappreciated
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
