God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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