I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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