I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
So. Much. Porn.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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