if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
