I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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