8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
