dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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